So this year so far as been pretty hectic beyond belief and trying to graduate is also difficult.

But at least I get to!

I'm also going to Europe for 12 days to Berlin, Prague, and Vienna ( thanks to my grandparents wonderful graduation gift.)

This time as also got me thinking, being alone really sucks, but I am trying to accept it for what it is. I was so used to always having something there, and not having that now for about 6 months is interesting. I'm not saying that I am giving up, more or less, but I am trying to put myself out there and if I'm not taken yet, then its okay. I need to focus on this year for sure though and this summer because I really don't know where I will be.

I am going to start putting my name out in New York though. I am going to try hard to get there and work my way up. I don't mind being a waitress or working in the mailroom, as long as I get somewhere, I'm good.

Just figured I haven't posted in a while, and this is a really brief explanation of what's been going on, but yeah, cool!

HEY HEY HEY!! I am in a show! In two as a matter of cold fact and I want you guys to be there!

The shows are death of a salesmen and bob's date.

Shows start this Saturday here are the times:

Saturday 130 & 3 (preview) 630 & 8 (opening)
Sunday 130 & 3
Wednesday 630 & 8
Thursday 630 & 8
Friday 630 & 8
Saturday 130 & 3, 630 & 8

The shows go Bob's date then Death of a salesmen.

You can buy tickets at the door and if you are a student you can a rush of $15 (for both shows I dunno) or you can go online to bostontheatrescene.com. The combo for both shows is $30 regular and $25 for students. The address is 539 tremont st, boston MA. There will be signs around and you can see our production. Please come! It would mean the world to all of us. We have worked so hard!

So, I am taking a slight break of packing to think about this past school year.

Dam..

So much happened, good and bad, but a lot of good. I want to thank everyone throughout the year for helping me through the year of hell. I sit here laughing with Erica on things we cant remember and it make me sad. But there are a lot of great memories I have stored away too.

I am going to be a senior...hell...I'm a senior now...where the hell did the time go? o_0.

Next year is going to be interesting and so is this summer. I'm moving into a house haha. All are going to be invited over many a times so I am happy about that!

ANYWAYS! THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE! MUCHO LOVE!

I"M 21!!! WAHOOOO!!!

Wow what an awesome adventure at Cancun, probably one of the best times of my life!

So I didn't sleep before my flight...which was at 5am and we left here at 230 am. We were the very first flight and all went smoothly. Getting off the plane in 80 degree weather was awesome and relaxing...:)

We arrived in cancun around 930 am (1130 here at home). Harland and I both slept on the plane multiple times so I did manage to get some sleep. We got to Ambiance Villas, our hotel, at 11. You walk in and see the beach. So our room wasn't going to be ready til 3, so we were allowed to stay on the beach and pool. We also had lunch at the hotel where I had my first drink called a Miami Vice, which is a strawberry daiquiri and pina colada mixed, SO GOOD! I ended up falling asleep on the beach and got burned but nothing too bad.

That night we went to Margaritaville. There was homemade guacamole, tequila shots, and awesome bbq. I also had a 20oz margarita,...oh so yummy. We went on the bus but it didn't stop, so by the time we got off the bus, we needed to walk a mile back to the hotel. Scary and crazy at the exact same time. By the time we got back, I was so drunk and tired, I passed out around 830.

The next day we had snorkeling, still dealing with the time change I was up by 6, when it felt like 8, and with the 10 hours of sleep, I was well rested. We went to aquaworld where we continued to wait to get on another bus that took us to village area. We got on a ferry that took us to Cozumel island where the snorkeling took place! So clear, water was like bath water and the fish were all around that. One fish even bit harland, pretty freakin sweet if you ask me. We then got back to island where we continued to shop and where I got a lot of people presents. We went to Bubba Gump Shrimp when we got back where I found myself face to face with a kid that I went to highschool with, so funny!

The third day we went parasailing and horseback riding. We had to go to another hotel for parasailing. The coolest part is that we were driven out to the boat by jetski then went around 300ft in the air for an ocean view.
We then went to another hotel where we went yet another bus to go horseback riding. By far my favorite part of the trip. We went in the water with them! Like the only thing that was left dry on the horse was its head lol We went to dinner that night at Senor Frogs where I got a yard of a drink. It was kickass.

The last day...so sad :( So when booking this whole thing we went through a service called Best Day. He said that our plane was canceled on the way home, but we were booked with American Airlines and all set. When we got to check in for the plane ride, that was a lie. We missed our flight. So they managed to get us on a 435 plane ride to Miami and then a Miami to Boston at 850...we had half and hour to get through baggage claim, customs, and passports. We were convinced that we were not going to make it. Not only that, but we were on the butt of the plane, last row everything. Right when we landed we pushed through and managed to get through customs and everything in under 5 minutes to spare. Then the guy who was checking us in said today was our lucky day and we got bumped to FIRST CLASS!! Blankets, full course meal, and great movies. The quote is there is no time for shoes because we both had to run barefoot to make it to the gate.

This week was great! It was awesome hanging out with my best friend lol It was really nice just being friends with no desire to do anything...at least I had no desire to do anything with him lol. Either or everything was great and I would do everything again! Pictures and videos will be coming soon and will be awesome!!

As I am sitting here looking at facebook, I come across Harland in a new profile picture...with this new girl...of them making out...i can feel my heart in my throat.

When looking it, I feel raged, heartbroken, pissed, wanting, and unloved all at the same time. I can feel my tear ducks filling, I wanna just burst out crying, but I am holding back. I texted him saying that I guess I will have to get used to the fact to seeing him make out with other girls...he said i guess you do. I wanna punch him and her in the face.

YES I knew this was coming, I knew I would have to get used to this. At the beginning, I was just sitting around thinking, okay we are not together anymore, but now, i can really feel the hurt. He says we will keep a friendship. One, I don't know if I can do that anymore and...argh...it hurts...a lot.

I get told, why don't you date blah blah blah, oh you should go for blah blah blah, but here is the thing, I don't get thought of that way, or i'm in the friends zone.

I don't wanna be alone...I want to be held...slept next too...someone to wipe the tears from my eyes and say...its going to be alright..

Hey everyone

Sitting here on a lazy Thursday afternoon almost a month into the new year, I started to look back at the year 2008.

Wow...somethings were really fucked up

Others were great.

I have grown a lot this year and the situations that I had to learn from sucked to deal with but it happened.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who helped me this past year. With things from my parents to things with Harland, you guys have really been there for me.

This year has already started with a bad time...aka Harland...but I feel I can only get better from here.

Once again, that you so much for helping me through everything!

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place, just because they exist, & who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

I have noticed how some people have changed...

I have become better friends with some and with others it seems like I have lived and lost, been replaced by something better.

Is it who I hang out with that you don't like so that makes me the bad person.

I don't get the calls to hang out...

I don't get the same feeling about people that I used to have such a great friendship with and now nothing. This show has opened me to so many people, and some people I hope I have another something friendship with. Other people who I have been in shows with before, now feel more awkward than every and I hate that. I try to have conversations with them, hang out, but now I get whispered about. Its not like I can't tell, whisper look at the person then look back.

At the same point, I want to say, if that is how you are going to be fuck you. But then at the same time I want to say, what the fuck is wrong with me? What could I have done to deserve this? Don't lie to me if your going to hang out with someone else! Just tell me! Leaving me out in the cold half the time, what changed, I used to be wanted to come out with people?

I understand people grow up and change, I just really wish when someone else would come into the picture, that you don't leave them behind. I feel deserted by a bunch of really best friends...why?

I don't go out to hurt anyone, I pretty much do whatever you want me to do for you, I always ask if you need anything or look for ways to help out as much as I can...what could I have done to be treated this way honestly, I don't care how much it hurts me. Make an anonymous response to this and rip me apart, at this point I have nothing to loose...just let me know where u stand...and if you think this post is about a certain person its not, it a crap ton a people

Wow...for the first time in a long time...a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders

Let's just hope it stays that way


Thanks for everyone being there for me during this time, you are all fantastic

So I figured because I love to procrastinate like woah, I wold write on lj instead.

School has been hectic as hell, I am trying so hard to pass all my classes and to get through strong, but friends, plays, work, and home have been effecting that.

But last night, I hung out with my friend Danae from home, mark, and jeff and a bunch of jeffs friends and had so much fun. It was nice just to hang out and relax. But it was EFFIN COLD!!! My feet were iscles and they are now slowly getting better than they were.

I don't think I have ever been handed so many opportunities before until now. I might be getting an internship in NY this summer depending if all goes well with school, I have been stage managing a professional show, and been offered to help out at multiple things.

Trying to keep a life on track is hard, we are all going through so much and it is hard to be there for people. Like Harland and myself, we are technically in an "open relationship". Laugh all you want and say it isn't going to work, but it has really helped. He is still always there for me, and opening up some space really helps too.

I have also realized that I do not want to live in the dorms next year. Sorry UML but I am taking my money elsewhere. I want to cook my own food, I want to not have to worry about signing people in, I want to relax and be in my own space besides a dorm room. Plus a bathtub would be all kinds of awesome. So I am going to be looking into getting my own place with some roommates, I know Allan wants in, but I don't mind sharing a room if it means the rent will go down, but even so I know people who pay only around $500 a month, that isnt too shabby. Anyone who wants to try to work something out, please let me know.

I feel bad that I havent been there for my friends as much as i used too. At times I do feel pushed to the side because people know people that are always there and it is a convenience. But in the end I understand and will let people come to me when they want too.

So as I fall asleep writing this, I think a nap is in order so. Adieu, Adieu, Adieu

Seeing as I am sick, I have had a lot of time to think and I have noticed a couple of things. Why should I continue to bother being a good person to everyone else and would cut off an arm for, when I seem to get nothing in return. I have never felt so alone in my life. I don't have friends that I thought I had and it kinda pisses me off. I feel like such an outside everywhere. With friends, even where I live, and I feel like I can't get anywhere. I sit alone thinking, and I don't like thinking this way. No matter what I do, I always try to make it a point in my day to make someone else happy, no matter how small the task is. I have noticed, I have not gotten the same return in a long time. Yes I have been rambling and yes I might be cranky. I sit here, crying, wondering why I make it such a point to help everyone else when I can't even get the same fucking respect. And who ever reads this, this is not singled out to any single person, it's in general and I know from everyone else's LJ's its usually targeted at one person. Yes sometime I get thanked from a professor saying "Great Effort!" "Thanks for everything you have been doing." I also know that they say that because they have too. I am just sick of being a friend who is just one sided...a girl who you need to bitch to or to get you something you need...

I'm alone...I get it...

This summer...wow..what an amazing couple of months.

I have been through so much this summer and really think I have grown. I took a step back at my life in May and realized that I didn't like what I saw. I made a change for myself and now I have grown up. I am no longer the girl who is looking to be someone else, I have found out who I really am. I am a determined, loving person, who only wishes for the best. I am tired of drama, its a thing of a past and now give my true opinions about things. If you don't like it, don't listen to it.

I don't think I have ever visited so many friends, gotten more 1am phone calls, or have just been there for someone to talk to, and that makes me feel fantastic. I have been to at least 4 states and have enjoyed each one.
In return, whenever I needed one of them, they were there for me as well.

This summer I worked with kids who had some of the worst upbringings ever. Fathers who have been taken away from drug dealings to mothers who have been taken away because they are prostitutes. I looked at them and thought, there is no way I am going to let this summer program be just another thing they are doing. I was known as "Jumpy Jess" and when I walked in the door and had kids just climb on top of me sucking their thumbs and wanted to be held I was there for them. I was the only girl to hit a home run and have the entire camp cheer for me, talk about a wonderful day. Some of them said to me, "Jumpy Jess, I am going to miss you the most!" I am glad I made a difference in their lives.

I took a step towards my career this summer by being an Asst. Director for a show. Yes, it was only a ten minute show that had 12 people show up, but it was a big step and it was hysterical. I am so excited to be getting more oppurtunities to spread my wings throughout the rest of the year.

I have learned to love more deeply as well. Harland made the decision that he is not going to be persuing his Masters next year, so this year I will be spending a lot of time with him. He really has helped me more than I could imagine. We talked more, did new things, and realized how much we really love each other. Harland will be leaving for training for Border Control soon after his graduation and being alone will be very hard for my last year. I really am so happy for him that things are going his way.

I changed my body. I was sick of looking at myself and saying "What happened to you?" It made me feel so great to just get the weight off. I am now 12lbs lighter and 4 1/2" smaller and it was tough! I suck to it and didn't quit and I love the results. I still have a looooong way to go, but I know I will make it at my own pace.

This summer has been great and I want to thank everyone who has been apart of it. I will never forget this summer for as long as I live.

I've lost 10 lbs so far!!!! WAHHHHHH! GO ME!!!!! AAAND I AM DOWN 3 PANT SIZES...WOHOOOOOOOO




....that is all...just really excited :)

Well I figured I haven't posted in awhile so might as well say that I am having a fabulous summer!

Yes it is filled with work but a lot of good expierences have happened so far!

As some of you know already, I have joined Weight Watchers this summer. I am already down 6lbs! I am so happy and I have lost an inch on my waist, bust, and hips yay! I am going for my weigh in tomorrow so lets hope I make it 7! I have a new light about me. I feel I am so much more confident and I am really starting to see a change in my body! My nana has been doing it with me and she has already lost exactly 10, I am very proud of her. She has a thyroid pill helping her out but thats alright :)

I have been more outgoing as well I have been noticing. I went white water rafting this summer and it as suh a blast and I even fit into a small/medium vest...oh did that feel good! I have noticed that I am just feeling better about myself. I was so sick of just working all summer and not having any fun. I have been fishing a lot with Harland, have been going out more, visiting friends from school stuff that I haven't done for myself for years.

On a lighter note, I have kinda been talking to my mom. We talk here and there but nothing too drastic. Just a question or something like that, Bob has been on vacation so I wouldn't she would be talking to me with him home. I did get to see Bobby last Monday, it was very nice. He is growing up so fast it is kinda hard to imagine he is going into Middle School. He says we are going to talk more online which will be supper nice.

I love Harland more than ever. He has helped me so much this summer. With random texts saying I love you to coming over when the thing with my mom happened. He has really been great. He has also noticed my body changing which makes me feel good. He is on a rice and beans diet which is killing him but he is keeping strong :) We have been hanging out a lot more. We always do a lot better in the summer rather than the school year because we don't see eachother so much. We both have our own lives but we are going day to day with at least a minute of talking to another.

Harland, myself, his brother Norm, and my best friend Meghan, have been working at Salem Public Schools with Non-mainstream kids. That means these kids don't know how to take/follow directions, have no or little social skills and very high tempers. I have already had my kids, who are the age of 6, throw chairs at me, kicked and punched me if they didn't get their way. Harland deals with the 4 & 5, Norm 3&4, and Meghan 2 & 3. So we have all had our share of horror. Meghan had to leave the camp because on Friday, she went into a seizure and i has to go with her to the hospital. Due to the fact that she hasn't been diagonised completely she is a liability which means she cannot be around the kids. It sucks because this job pays $12.30 an hour, so its pretty nice!

I have seen Erica, Allan, and Jon from school and it has been great each time! We all hung out about 2 weeks ago which was great, I saw Erica in a concert on Saturday and spent the night, and Jon and I are taking an improv class in a really sketchy area, but still fun none the less! I miss people from school. I am visiting Emily tomorrow and spending the night so I am excited for that too :)

Well thats what is going on for now, if anyone wants to come to Six Flags August 9th, let me know!! We should get a group together!!

Jon DiPrima, Erica Caron, and Allan Sloan, are wonderful people who make me live life from day to day a little bit happier...thanks loves.

I have no mother...the end...

A simple conversation of me getting the rest of my things, turned into my screaming so hard my face hurt and now having no voice. She says she can't be a part time mom. She said that I take her for granted. She says that I am a person who doesn't see the other side. I am a now a person with no mother or father, and now no brother. Because of that disrupted asshole I have nothing...

I have never been this despressed...i am done with life...

I am never going to be the way I was before...

never...

So I am a very very pleasant girl right now!

Suzanne Delle, my directing professor, has offered me a position! I am soooo excited, talk about getting a foot in the door! I am assisting 2 rehearsals and RUNNING one then the show is going to be on August 14th! More news TBA!

OMG!!!!

i just sat and cried with my brother. I haven't been alone with my brother once since...ever...

Today I spent the entire afternoon with him, from taking pictures with my phone, to eating ice cream, to laughing in the backseat. I missed that, I missed him.

All of this has hurt him so much you have no idea. He has had to hear all of the fighting all of the bad mouthing everything, and its ridic. He has heard many times about my father saying how done with me he is and how Bobby even knows he doesn't love me like he used too. He doesn't know what to say because their is so much that has been said and he knows this. He is so smart about everything and he doesn't know what to do. He does know and he never changed his mind about how much he loved me which felt amazing.

I am going to try to get to together with him more often. He is growing up so fast.

So the summer has started out a lot better than I originally intended.

Living with nana and papa has been a blessing. It feels so nice not to be hassled and not to be yelled at about everything little thing I do or do not do. Dinners are filled with good conversation and how the days went which is always great. Nana and I hang out in the morning and watch television and I either go do my thing or we go shopping or what not. I have been talking to my mom as well, she is happy that I am over my nanas now because my father has been really mad lately and things have been at a downward spiral. She is finally realizing that he was doing more verbal abuse than just being strict which is good for her. She looks at things now in a different light and realizes how mature I have been through all this.

I have been slowly but surely turning my life in a different direction. I am making changes to myself that are going to benefit me in the future which makes me feel great. Like today for instance, I went on a three mile walk with my Nana and I now feel wonderful. We are going to do the same tomorrow, Peabody is a great place to walk around. I have also been reconnecting with people from home which is awesome! I miss my friends so much here and its a great change from school and we can just hang out and talk for hours on end...i do miss talking about school and OBP and such with everyone else, so we need to make plans pronto!

I wasn't going to do this but I decided what the hell! I am going to be helping out at a summer camp this summer with preschoolers. It is Innovative Learning! I will be running outside and playing with playdo, how awesome is that! It makes great pay as well! I am going to be working from like June 30-August 1 from 830-1130 and I honestly don't mind getting up that early anymore. I feel like I am wasting my day if I sleep in too long. Maybe I'm just growing up? Haha. I sure hope not!

I am listening to my nana talk to her old highschool friend. They have been friends for over 40yrs! I only hope I can still keep that contact with friends.

ANYWAYS!! So a happy and a good start for summer, I can't believe it is going to be June? Dam! Harland turns 21 this month...oh jeez!

Toodles!!